I saw a mug shot.
From an arrest.
A mugshot of an addict.
A recent arrest.
Of a person I once knew.
From another lifetime of mine.
It’s strange the different directions life can take you after a tragedy. After my son died I could have taken a dark path, succumbed to the depth of my sorrow. I could have let it rule my life and take me down another road that would have done no one any good and only would have made my life harder.
I chose instead to grab onto hope and hold on tight. To let it pull my into a world of light, of acceptance, and of dreams for my future. I let that hope pull me out of an abusive relationship, out of all the what-ifs that could be never ending, and into a place of knowing I am worthy. That hope began a path of discovery. Self discovery.
It’s so sad to see that Christian’s other parent looked at the fork in the road and chose a dark path. It’s maddening that my name is forever linked to the lifestyle that he has chosen. If my name is run in a data bank, it will pull up my previous marriage from when I was a teenager, which will in turn pull up an addict and criminal. It is unfair and a tragedy of another kind that I cannot sever this tie completely. It infuriates me if I let myself think about it. A teenager, as I was at the time, does not yet know themselves enough to see the mistakes that they are making. It was another lifetime for me. I do not want to carry it around in my adult life.
I watched a movie recently called Crime After Crime (please see this movie) and though my circumstances are obviously different I can identify with the main character. Some of the abuse that she went through, things she was subjected to, and the fact that she is affected her entire life by her abuser at the hands of the system.
America sure does treat female victims of abuse in a most unjust manner.