I’m so sleepy but I can’t sleep. Pain is keeping me awake.
I was awake last night because I watched Michele Obama’s speech on the president and the rhetoric just kept playing over in my mind. It kept me up. Hearing so many affirmations of what our president is doing for students but living the opposite. So full of fluff and glitter and beautiful words. Hitting all the right nerves that I want so badly to believe in but my reality tells me differently. I know that the changes he signed into law for student financial aid are negatively affecting me, NOT supporting me or helping me succeed. I am living this RIGHT NOW. I offended people recently when I said I did not feel that “he has my back” as a student. And I feel that walls were raised and guards were set up to defend the president and Michelle’s speech against such blasphemy as me stating that I do not feel supported. I can feel this way. I have lost all funding aid when I need it the most. I can feel that the president does not have my back in all matters that matter to me.
It is not just the financial aid. It is not just me as a student. I have many sides that are not supported. He supports women and equality with marriage, but what about our food system, what about my humanitarian side? When will GMOs be labeled as promised? When will all the senseless killing be stopped? I don’t want the oil, and if you think that is not the real base level reason under it all then you need to read more. When will Guantanamo Bay close as promised? When will the drones stop? So many issues. So many things important to me that I do not feel my president’s backing on.
What causes these reactions to the political turmoil all around us? Why does my story of struggle and my personal reaction to a speech because of that struggle strike such a cord in another that my reaction is personal to them? Why do we leap past trying to understand a different view into making a point on our own view? Who pauses anymore?
I am not even sure that I am making sense in my sleeping state. I just want my tummy ache to go away. It felt like a thud after I listened to that speech, and has only gotten worse after trying to give voice to that feeling throughout the day. Maybe it’s just the Endo. A new symptom. I am really not sure. Maybe its both. The reactions I received today hurt. In the pit of me.
It is hard to keep track of symptoms with this longer cycle of pain/not so much pain/no pain. It’s like a long, repeating wave. I am trying to keep better track now by dates and symptoms. There are things that are the same every month like the cramping that is beyond normal, and painful mornings on the loo. Those are the most consistent. The sharp pain that makes me scream without control, almost pass out, and makes my knees buckle? Is that more like every other month? Didn’t I have that 3 months in a row though this spring? What about new today the crazy sharp cramp after I peed in my lower ab. Has that happened before? The sharp stab when I leaned against a counter this evening in the kitchen? I get anxious and scared tracking the looming dates each month. How bad will it be this time? How long will it last? Will I be pain free the whole time in between cycles?
I hope this week that there are no over the top sharp pains. I fear it happening at work or (even worse) in class. I am terrified of that actually. E has seen me in those moments and the freaked out looks she has given, I can’t imagine an entire room of those looks. Besides, who would even understand? Scream, drop to floor, curled up? In a classroom. I am even embarrassed even when E has seen it. I probably look ridiculous. Like a crazy lady. And, oh its craps? like period cramps? Really?!! You fell from that?? I can only imagine the reactions. (E never did that, I should point out. She tried to help if I would let her)
I go see a specialist next week…I wish scheduling appointments did not take so long between each step. The worst is not knowing really. If my cyst on my left ovary is so large I was told they may remove the whole ovary and I have all these other symptoms then how far has it spread?
There is a half marathon race this weekend that I registered for long ago. I won’t be racing. In fact I have only run once a week tops lately. I miss the feeling running gave me but I can’t seem to lace up my shoes.
If you are still reading this late night ramble, you are sweet indeed. Time to rap up my fears and frets before I steer too far off into a third topic. Another raw and definitely unfiltered dose of Apple Juice. Sweet dreams, readers…
